Monday, June 21, 2010

When He's Not in the Mood...Tips For dealing With Your Partner's Waning Libido

I will never forget the first time my husband rejected my sexual advances. He hadn’t been in the mood lately so I slid my naked body into bed next to him and began to make my move. He began laughing, pushed me away and asked me what the heck I was doing! I was devastated and humiliated. Thinking he may have just been stressed or tired, I attempted to seduce him again a couple of weeks later. This time, I went all out and dressed in a silky baby doll nighty. I curled up next to him on the sofa and purred like a kitten while I whispered naughty things into his ear. Again, I was humiliated when he pulled away from me asked me why I was all dressed up.

I had always been under the impression that the male was supposed to be the sexual powerhouse, the one in the relationship who was insatiable. The woman was supposed to be the one turning down sex, that’s the way it had always been portrayed in books and on television! I was confused, sad and angry. My husband and I began fighting about sex every weekend and I would find myself retreating to the sofa and resorting to self pleasure.

It took dozens of arguments and literally years before my husband and I came to an agreement about our sex life. I made many mistakes along the way and hope that if you find yourself in this situation, you can learn from my experiences and resolve things more quickly and a lot less painfully.

If your husband rejects your sexual advances, don’t jump to conclusions. Unless you find a motel receipt, used condom and a thong in his car, he’s most likely not cheating. I immediately blamed myself and began crying hysterically that I was no longer pretty, sexy or desirable. I accused my husband of cheating, intentionally hurting me and yes, once, I actually accused him of being gay. If your man’s change in moods is something new, give it time as he may possibly be stressed out or simply not in the mood. If this is something that has been going on for a while, it is definitely time to explore other avenues and discover why he’s not in the mood.

It’s natural for a relationship to progress to some level of comfort. Sometimes your man may feel as if he no longer needs to try so hard to “conquer” you and therefore isn’t the sexual animal he used to be. There is also the possibility that he may have become somewhat bored with the routine. Try spicing things up by pulling him into the bathroom for a quickie, playing a sexy game or trying a bedroom toy or potion. You could also try role playing, going out on a date or simply having sex in other rooms of the house. The idea is to stir things up in order to excite and stimulate both of your libidos while breaking out of the mundane routines.

If you have a raging libido, as it was in my case, your man may feel as if he’s no longer in the driver’s seat. Some men feel the need to be the initiator when it comes to sex and may feel less masculine when you’re climbing all over him. Or, as it was with myself and my husband, he may be overwhelmed by your high sex drive and simply isn’t in the mood as often as you’d like. I nicknamed this “candy store syndrome”, because when you get all the free candy you can possibly eat, you lose your appetite for it after a while! Try stepping back a bit and allowing him to take control again. Stifling your own sex drive is frustrating and may seem unfair, but it’s a small price to pay to get your sex life back on track.

Are you finding yourselves in the mood but at different times and just can’t seem to get your libidos to jive? Negotiate and see if you can come to a happy medium. If you want sex 4 days a week and he is only interested in sex once every two weeks, see if you can make a standing date every Saturday and stick to it. Making the date will not only assure you get to have sex with your husband, but it will create anticipation. In the meantime give him little peeks of what’s to come over the weekend. Wear one of his shirts around the house, with nothing underneath. Offer him a massage or to wash his back when he showers. Cuddle up next to him while watching television and when you go to bed. You never know, you may get more than one intimate romp that week!

If, after trying some of the above suggestions, it seems he isn’t responding, you need to sit down and have a serious talk outside the bedroom. Express your feelings to him without making him feel guilty and see if you can get to the bottom of his waning libido. Ask him if there is anything you can do to help him be in the mood more often. This in itself will play into his “fix it” mentality and may help immensely.

There may also be a physical reason for his lack of libido and a routine check-up with your family doctor may be in order. High blood pressure, diabetes, depression, medications and other things can cause symptoms relating to mood and sexual performance and should not be overlooked. It doesn’t hurt to be cautious when it comes to your partner’s health.

If all attempts to remedy the situation are failing and it is putting undue strain on your relationship, please seek professional counseling. You can find a reputable family counselor at a nearby mental health center, through a referral from your family physician or at your church. Talking about sex to a stranger isn’t comfortable or appealing to anyone, but if you value your relationship, it’s a good idea to give it a try.

Finally, every effort should be made not to obsess over the situation and let it effect the core relationship with your partner. Do activities the two of you enjoy together that are not related to sex. Play cards, enjoy a movie or cook a meal together. It is also crucial for you to remember that this isn’t your fault .It is important that you take care of yourself and not let the situation effect your self esteem. Pamper yourself, work out, buy a sexy new outfit or just talk to a close friend. Never forget that you are still a beautiful and desirable woman!

*Originally Published on Club Mom Inc


Anonymous said...

Are you kidding us, Edie??!! I guess there are guys out there who would fit this scenario, but I believe it to be the exception, rather than the rule. I would cut off my arm (figuratively) to have my wife pursue me!! Of the few times my wife has initiated, I would have been scared to death to refuse her advances, for fear of discouraging her future attempts, if there were any! I think, if this really did happen to you, you should remember the feeling, as this is what men go through on a fairly regular basis. Now, mind you, my sex life is not bad, these days, but I most certainly remember times that I felt rejected, resentment, and suspicion, when my advances weren't met with something other than disgust. Don't you think a kind response from the "rejector" would be much more effective than a digusted grunt, then "STOP", or to simply be laughed at? To be desired is such a turn on for me, as well as, an incredible ego boost! We all, as we grow older, become less, shall we say nubine. But, I think my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world, in my eyes! I still have a great desire for my wife, and hopefully, my libido will survive. I guess what I'm saying is this thing is a 2 way street. What are you saying to your partner when you reject their advances? I can't speak for everyone, but I have a need for intimacy in my life. I'd just like to feel that, if my partner isn't in the mood, that I'm made to feel that I'm desired, too, just not at that time. I hope you do get published, someday!! Good luck!!

Ms. E said...

Hi there anonymous! The first time this article was published on Club Mom Inc, I got an influx of mail from married ladies who were in the same boat as I. I was shocked because I too believed my case was the exception to the sexual rule. But it seems that in many bedrooms across America, men are turning to their wives and saying, "Not tonight honey, I have a headache."

Something you said in your comment sort of disturbed me. You said, "If this really did happen to you, you should remember the feeling, as this is what men go through on a fairly regular basis."

First off, I'd never make something this humiliating up. Ms E wants to be the insatiable sex kitten who has her husband falling at her feet and fullfilling her every sexual whim. But that's not the case at all. We are a regualr couple with kids, bills, stresses and other things that send our libidos into the toilet. Secondly, I will never forget how it felt to be turned down which is why, on the rare occasions I am not in the mood, I sweetly tell my husband I'm not feeling well and why....then offer an alternative to take care of his immediate needs.

Yes, we all have that need to feel wanted and desired and sometimes our partners aren't the best at keeping that in mind when they say no to sex. All they have on their mind at the moment is the headache/ bodyache/what the boss said earlier etc and aren't thinking about our feelings.

It is a 2 way street....which is why marriage and relationships aren't easy...they are constant work to keep things running smoothly.

Thanks so much for your comment!

J.B. said...

This is the one that hit me. My SO and I are busy with work and our schedules and privacy don't mesh. But when they do, it's magic. :) So we do what we can and hope for more time. It's hard, and it gets me upset. But the love we have is what makes it all the better.

Anonymous said...

I can across this and found it interesting. As a guy, I come across more women with the low libido than men. How do couples with different libidos end up together? Should the high libido women end up with the high libido guys and the opposite for low libidos? I have a high libido and it is a constant challenge to get any intimacy from my SO. Very frustrating as you saw from your situation.

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