When He's Not in the Mood...Tips For dealing With Your Partner's Waning Libido

I will never forget the first time my husband rejected my sexual advances. He hadn’t been in the mood lately so I slid my naked body into bed next to him and began to make my move. He began laughing, pushed me away and asked me what the heck I was doing! I was devastated and humiliated. Thinking he may have just been stressed or tired, I attempted to seduce him again a couple of weeks later. This time, I went all out and dressed in a silky baby doll nighty. I curled up next to him on the sofa and purred like a kitten while I whispered naughty things into his ear. Again, I was humiliated when he pulled away from me asked me why I was all dressed up.

I had always been under the impression that the male was supposed to be the sexual powerhouse, the one in the relationship who was insatiable. The woman was supposed to be the one turning down sex, that’s the way it had always been portrayed in books and on television! I was confused, sad and angry. My husband and I began fighting about sex every weekend and I would find myself retreating to the sofa and resorting to self pleasure.

It took dozens of arguments and literally years before my husband and I came to an agreement about our sex life. I made many mistakes along the way and hope that if you find yourself in this situation, you can learn from my experiences and resolve things more quickly and a lot less painfully.

If your husband rejects your sexual advances, don’t jump to conclusions. Unless you find a motel receipt, used condom and a thong in his car, he’s most likely not cheating. I immediately blamed myself and began crying hysterically that I was no longer pretty, sexy or desirable. I accused my husband of cheating, intentionally hurting me and yes, once, I actually accused him of being gay. If your man’s change in moods is something new, give it time as he may possibly be stressed out or simply not in the mood. If this is something that has been going on for a while, it is definitely time to explore other avenues and discover why he’s not in the mood.

It’s natural for a relationship to progress to some level of comfort. Sometimes your man may feel as if he no longer needs to try so hard to “conquer” you and therefore isn’t the sexual animal he used to be. There is also the possibility that he may have become somewhat bored with the routine. Try spicing things up by pulling him into the bathroom for a quickie, playing a sexy game or trying a bedroom toy or potion. You could also try role playing, going out on a date or simply having sex in other rooms of the house. The idea is to stir things up in order to excite and stimulate both of your libidos while breaking out of the mundane routines.

If you have a raging libido, as it was in my case, your man may feel as if he’s no longer in the driver’s seat. Some men feel the need to be the initiator when it comes to sex and may feel less masculine when you’re climbing all over him. Or, as it was with myself and my husband, he may be overwhelmed by your high sex drive and simply isn’t in the mood as often as you’d like. I nicknamed this “candy store syndrome”, because when you get all the free candy you can possibly eat, you lose your appetite for it after a while! Try stepping back a bit and allowing him to take control again. Stifling your own sex drive is frustrating and may seem unfair, but it’s a small price to pay to get your sex life back on track.

Are you finding yourselves in the mood but at different times and just can’t seem to get your libidos to jive? Negotiate and see if you can come to a happy medium. If you want sex 4 days a week and he is only interested in sex once every two weeks, see if you can make a standing date every Saturday and stick to it. Making the date will not only assure you get to have sex with your husband, but it will create anticipation. In the meantime give him little peeks of what’s to come over the weekend. Wear one of his shirts around the house, with nothing underneath. Offer him a massage or to wash his back when he showers. Cuddle up next to him while watching television and when you go to bed. You never know, you may get more than one intimate romp that week!

If, after trying some of the above suggestions, it seems he isn’t responding, you need to sit down and have a serious talk outside the bedroom. Express your feelings to him without making him feel guilty and see if you can get to the bottom of his waning libido. Ask him if there is anything you can do to help him be in the mood more often. This in itself will play into his “fix it” mentality and may help immensely.

There may also be a physical reason for his lack of libido and a routine check-up with your family doctor may be in order. High blood pressure, diabetes, depression, medications and other things can cause symptoms relating to mood and sexual performance and should not be overlooked. It doesn’t hurt to be cautious when it comes to your partner’s health.

If all attempts to remedy the situation are failing and it is putting undue strain on your relationship, please seek professional counseling. You can find a reputable family counselor at a nearby mental health center, through a referral from your family physician or at your church. Talking about sex to a stranger isn’t comfortable or appealing to anyone, but if you value your relationship, it’s a good idea to give it a try.

Finally, every effort should be made not to obsess over the situation and let it effect the core relationship with your partner. Do activities the two of you enjoy together that are not related to sex. Play cards, enjoy a movie or cook a meal together. It is also crucial for you to remember that this isn’t your fault .It is important that you take care of yourself and not let the situation effect your self esteem. Pamper yourself, work out, buy a sexy new outfit or just talk to a close friend. Never forget that you are still a beautiful and desirable woman!

*Originally Published on Club Mom Inc

Recession Proof Romance For Gals Watching Their Wallets

Let's face it, times are changing and things aren't so good for many of us right now. It's not so easy for us to whip out the credit card and spend, spend, spend....we're counting change, saving as much as we can and putting alot of luxuries on the back burner. With Valentine's day fast approaching, romance is NOT something that should be put on hold. But you don't have to spend a bundle to give your man some romantic fun.

Here are my 10 romantic ideas for the gal on a budget..............

What is romantic to women and what is considered romantic to a man, is vastly different. While we may enjoy candle lit dinners, wine and roses, our men are enchanted by things that are completely out of our definition of "romantic". Try some of the tips below to woo the man in your life without breaking your budget.

1) Take some sexy snapshots: Grab a Poloroid instant camera or a digital camera and have your best gal pal capture the sexy you. Model some lingerie, swimwear or one of his shirts. You could take this opportunity to fulfill one of his fantasies and dress up as a school girl, beer wench or teacher.

2) Be naked: This is something very simple, but something that eludes most women. Men like seeing us naked....period. So forget the fact that you think your thighs are too big or your tummy needs trimmed, he doesn’t see what you do. He sees naked. He sees beautiful.

3) Have dinner in bed: This involves two of the things most men love most: Food and sex. So bring a lush dinner into the bedroom and don’t forget the strawberries and whipped topping for dessert.

4) Make him King for the night: Whatever it is that he enjoys, do it. Make his favorite dinner, let him control the television remote, give him a massage and YOU initiate the sex.

5) Movie night, his way: Let your man choose the movie for the night, along with the snacks and beverages. This may not seem significant to you, but this is something that will warm his heart.

6) Pack a special lunch for work: Not only does this involve food, it involves guy-envy. Imagine how he will feel when all of his male coworkers ogle his pot roast, potatoes, gravy and rolls then tell him what a lucky guy he is to have such an awesome woman at home.

7) Go for a drive and then park: Going for a nice, long drive can be romantic for us ladies. The drive will be romantic for him if you offer a little leg fondling and some steamy action when you find an away spot and park. Remember, park before you get steamy! Driving while horny could have serious consequences.

8) Try something he enjoys: Accompany him to a boat show, a wood worker’s work shop or a basketball game.....and smile. Showing interest in something he enjoys will score you major points in the "guy-romance" category.

9) Play a sexy game: Men like to play hard, whether it’s at sports or a card game. Combining sex with a game will appeal to his competitive nature and add a bit of fun to your sex life. Play strip chess or poker or make up your own game by putting sexual commands on the back of checker pieces.

10) Offer to wash his car: If your man isn’t a total freak about who washes his car, then take this opportunity to rev up his engine on a hot day. Put on your shortest shorts and a tank top or t-shirt. Let the water, soap suds and his imagination do the rest! (This only works in the summer or warmer climates! Shivering, wet Smurfs are not sexy!)

When Domestic Violence Comes Home

I'm taking a momentary break from my usual sex topics to share something with all of you. This is our family's personal story of domestic violence. We will need your good thoughts and prayers tomorrow. Thank you.

My daughter and my dad...10-27-2007

He told her that he had changed. He showed her his AA tokens, got on his knees and begged for her forgiveness. It had been several years since my daughter and "RJ" were together so she forgave him and they began dating again. This was a mistake she'd regret.

The wedding was absolutely beautiful. We had a masquerade ball theme, since it was so close to Halloween, and the guests came in costumes....all except for my dad, who wore his Marines Dress Blues. He looked amazing, but paled in comparison to the radiant and happy bride. My little girl.

It only took a couple of months before RJ had quit his job. He slept in every day, never lifted a finger around the house and depended 100% on my daughter to pay the bills, the brand new mortgage and buy food for them and my daughter's dogs.

RJ then started to become possessive and paranoid, watching over my daughter's shoulder every moment, reading her emails, listening to her phone calls. He began yelling at her constantly, starting fights and verbally abusing her. Soon things escalated into RJ breaking furniture, throwing things around and beating the dogs. She started planning her escape.

Her escape plan was yet to be finished, when the electricity at their home was turned off. She was hurriedly preparing her aquarium and fish to be moved (so the fish wouldn't die), when RJ started yet another fight. In his rage, he kicked a box containing aquarium supplies and things scattered over the living room carpeting.....fish food, rocks and more. My daughter screamed and RJ, "Why do you have to do this? Why are you always breaking my things? You have destroyed nearly everything I own!"

She walked toward the door, fully intending to go to the neighbors and call the police.....she wasn't fast enough....a physical fight ensued and she ended up bruised and shaken. She quietly followed through with moving her aquarium, allowed RJ to drop her off at a friends and then called home for help. My husband and I picked her up, took her home and grabbed her dogs and a couple of small boxes of her belongings....she left everything else behind.

One would think the story ends there....or that my daughter went back to him.....no. She moved home and never looked back. RJ, on the other hand, couldn't let it go.

He began stalking her, following her and making online threats against her. Though we got protective orders for here, her work and family and friend's homes, he still refused to stop....and most of the time, the police wouldn't do anything unless they saw him, or there was proof. We began running a camcorder at home and my daughter started carrying a digital camera and a baseball bat. He continued to follow her to work, drive by friends homes and sit on side streets for days, watching her, waiting to attack.....and he finally did...on August 2nd 2008, he tried to kill my daughter.

She was leaving a friend's home and noticed a car sitting on a darkened side street.....she just KNEW what was about to happen. She pulled behind a business (a common cut-through for motorists), stepped out of her opened car door and waited with her digital camera in hand. As soon as RJ rounded the corner in his car, she snapped a photograph. When he realized what happened, he floored the gas and raced toward her. She rolled into her car just as he wedged his car in her, still open, driver side door. She leaned out and took another photograph.

She then hit her accelerator, did a u-turn around an ATM machine in the adjoining parking lot, and hurried back toward her best friend's home. RJ caught up to her and *SLAM*, hit her from behind. *SLAM*, he hits her again. She sped up, finally coming to a stop in her friend's driveway. She was already on the phone with the police.

They arrested him within 10 minutes of the incident, but sadly, only got him for "Violation of Privacy".......there is some stupid law in Indiana stating that the car was "marital property" and he could do to it what he wished. He was only in jail for mere days....his family bailed him out.....and he continued his stalking and mind games.

We had to stay on the police and prosecuter's office constantly to make sure something....anything was being done to keep this man away from my daughter. We were lucky we convinced them to even investigate the case further!

The final straw came as a telephoned death threat.....a terrible message...left on my daughter's cell phone. It was a song that chimed, "Bitch you know I love you, but now you gotta die" and it repeated over and over. The police weren't impressed.....and in the early days into the stalking investigation....he was arrested and held without bond during a bond agreement check. He was drunk, using drugs and in possession of the cd containing the song with the death threat.

That was two months ago.....and RJ still sits in jail. His rich dad didn't bail him out, even after bond had been set at $5,000. Tomorrow is the big day......court....and he will be released under a plea agreement.

With the stalking laws, the way they are written, it is nearly impossible to get a conviction...too many rules and regulations have to be met. Our deputy prosecutor is heartsick as he wanted nothing more than to prosecute RJ to the fullest extent of the law. The best he could do is roll the dice and risk him walking away, time served and no further recourse or write a plea agreement to help protect my daughter.

Time served. Mandatory drug and alcohol counseling and testing. Mandatory anger management and domestic violence classes. Mandatory psychiatric evaluation and counseling. 3 full years probation. A Supreme Court no contact order for my daughter for 3 full years. If he doesn't do classes....even misses one...mandatory prison term. If he so much as calls my daughter and hangs up...mandatory prison time.

But will this be enough?

Will he stop?

Or will his first and only contact with my daughter be the only one it will take?

I'm afraid for her, but there is little I can do. I can continue to follow her, so she's never out of my view. I can go with her everywhere. I can run the video camera.....for 3 years....maybe longer. Who knows.

Women 101.....A Guy's Cheat Sheet For Figuring Her Out

Women are pretty tough to figure out at times! What do they want? Why is she crying? Why is she yelling at me? Why doesn't she like the sweater I gave her? Why is she ignoring me....again?
Yes, women are pretty complex creatures, whether we admit it or not. However, if you follow a few simple pieces of advice, you'll make her happy more often. And when she's happy, your life will be a great deal easier!

Have you ever watched two women talk? Did you ever notice that while one is talking, the other is leaning over and completely captivated by what the other has to say? Women love men that are good listeners!

Never again hear her say, "You never listen to me!" Just follow these simple steps and she'll be talking to you and not at you:

Look at her when she's talking. Don't watch the game, even out of the corner of your eye! No laughing at beer commercials, the sitcom on television or when your dog breaks wind.

React to what she's telling you. When women talk, the listener always responds with words and phrases like, "You're kidding me!", "How terrible!" and "That's wonderful!" Simply replace those words and phrases with guy talk. Say things like, "Cool.", "Right on!", "That sucks (stinks, blows, bites)!", and "No way!" Nodding and shaking your head works too, as long as you are looking at her.
If she's got a problem, don't try and fix it, unless she specifically asks. Make sure you are really listening to her and not silently reciting the new Godsmack song in your head. Trust me, you'll probably be quizzed later.

Gift Giving:

There are two types of gift-giving situations: Obligatory and "just because."

Obligatory situations are birthdays, anniversary, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day (if applicable), the birth of your child and Christmas. These are situations where you must give her a gift or be subject to her angry wrath for a very long time...maybe even years! She will never forget!

"Just because" situations are optional gift-giving opportunities and include her getting a promotion at work, anniversary of your first date (sexual encounter, kiss, engagement, apartment etc) or any day for no reason whatsoever. Giving a gift "just because" is always a smart move, especially if you happen to remember the anniversary of your first date!

Buying The Gift.

Well, you know you need to purchase a gift, but what do you buy? Here are some easy tips on how and what to buy for her.

Never, ever give her an appliance or something practical! If she asks for a waffle iron or a new mouse pad, it's okay to give it to her, but always add a personal gift too.

Jewelry is always a great idea, but be careful to choose something she'll actually wear! You can do this by paying attention to what jewelry she wears to work, on the weekends and when you go out. Yes, there is a difference. If you just can't figure it out, ask her mom, sister or best friend to help.

Clothing is a great gift, but one of the hardest things for a guy to get right. You have to know her size, the color that brings out the brown flecks in her eyes and just the right style. Check out her closet for color ideas. For sizes, don't check her closet....women have fat sizes, skinny sizes, comfy sizes and more. Instead, check the dirty clothes hamper for sizes of her jeans, blouses, slacks, sweater and tops. You really don't want to know how she'll react if you get something that's too big! Finally, go shopping with her. I know, all you can picture right now is you, standing outside the ladies fitting room, clutching a pink purse to your chest. But suck it up and go one afternoon. Listen watch and pay attention to what she oooooooh's and aaaaaah's about. Then go right back and get the item in her size. If you wait, it may be moved to another area of the store or snatched up by another shopper. Again, you can ask her mom, sister or best friend for help.

Things to avoid include accessories like shoes, belts and purses. Women are very picky in these areas!

Flowers are good. Flowers are better when delivered to her at work, in front of other women. When ordering flowers, always order an arrangement that includes a keepsake like a plush animal or pretty vase.

Books, music and DVDs are fantastic gifts, but again, you have to pay close attention to what she already has and what she wants. If she has a favorite band, author or actor, go to the appropriate store and ask the salesperson if something new is coming out. If there is something new, preorder it. Look at her collection and see if she has a cassette of a band you can upgrade to a CD or a VHS tape of a movie you can upgrade to a DVD. You can always give a gift card, but give it along with a personal gift or romantic greeting card. The same goes for other misc.

Things like collectibles, craft items and hobby supplies. Give a gift card along with a small, personal gift like a plush animal, picture frame or journal.

A photograph of you may sound corny, but if she doesn't already have a picture of you, trust me, she wants one. Go to an inexpensive photo studio, dress nice and have your portrait taken. If you have kids, you'll make her dileriously happy if you take the kids with you! Buy a frame for one of the bigger photos and give her one for her wallet. Give the leftover pictures to your mom, grandma and dear aunt Sue.

Candy and women have a love/hate relationship. Women love candy. Women hate the fact that candy makes their butt get big. When giving candy, skip the enormous, frilly heart and give a small tin of gourmet chocolates instead.

Giving lingerie is tricky. You must know her taste like you know your beer! If you don't know this, don't give lingerie as a gift.....ever. If you do know her taste and style well, make sure you go to a lingerie shop like Victoria's Secret. They'll have sales girls to help you. Make sure you go prepared with her sizes (check the dirty clothes hamper).

Just as I said before, don't give something practical unless you add something personal. But there are some gifts to steer clear of, always...........

Gym memberships ("Do you think I'm fat?!") Exercise equipment or workout clothing ("You do think I'm fat!") Anti aging creams, lotions, washes, bath items etc. ("Fine! I guess I'm not young enough for you anymore!") Big clothing like sweat pants, sweat shirts, jackets etc. ("Oh, I see! You don't want anyone looking at me, do you?!") Cook books, cooking lessons or gift certificates for those "assmeble-a-meal" places. (So, you don't like my cooking?!") This list may vary from woman to woman. Being a good listener and paying attention to her likes, dislikes, wants and needs is very important.

Romance......

Can you say that word without gagging? Very good! Like it or not, women love romance! But believe it or not, it's not all about trips to Paris, expensive gifts and men with huge muscles and hair blowing in the breeze. For women, it's all about thoughtfulness. Yep, simply by putting thought into things you do and say, you'll make her happy!

Here are 20 easy to use tips for being more romantic:

1) Be a gentleman. Open her car door, hold a door open open for her, hold her hand and place your hand on the small of her back and allow her to go first.

2) Use candles during dinner, in the bedroom, in the bathroom.

3) Turn off the television and put on some music. Ask her to slow dance.

4) Remember the "just because" gift dates.

5) Leave her a note that says, "I love you"...for no reason.

6) Take the kids off her hands, let her sleep in or give her a day out. Be the taxi for the day.

7) Do housework.....the right way! (Remember, doing housework the wrong way will only backfire).

8) Run a bath for her (with candles) and warm her towel or robe in the dryer. Who knows, she might invite you to join her.

9) Listen to her when she talks. Look at her when she talks. (Yes, even if it's during football....sorry!)

10) Compliment her. If she looks hot in that red top, tell her! ( Don't just say it because you think she wants or needs to hear it....trust me, we know the difference.)

11) Show your soft side. Watch a chick flick with her, hold a puppy at the pet shop, look through pictures with her.

12) Rub her feet, back, shoulders, arms etc without being asked and without expecting sex in return.

13) Dinner in bed. Breakfast in bed. Dessert in bed (real food).

14) Walk up and hug her for no reason. Take that opportunity to smell her hair.

15) Show interest in something she likes. "What's that book about?" "Wow, scrapbooking looks hard."

16) Compliment her for being a great mom, neighbor, secretary, salesperson etc. Tell her your proud of her.

17) Do something with her that she likes. Take her dancing, have a picnic or go shopping with her.

18) Touch her face and look into her eyes next time you kiss her.

19) Never leave the house without a kiss and saying, "I love you."

20) Never take it for granted that she'll always be there!

Always remember that each and every woman is different. You may need to adjust things to fit her personality. Knowing her better is all you need to do to make her happy. You can do this by simply listening to her and paying attention to her.

Yes, it's that easy!

Halloween Isn't Just For Kids

As we scurry around town, loading our shopping baskets with bags of gooey miniature candy bars and try to find the perfect Halloween costumes for the kiddos, we tend to forget that Halloween isn't just for kids. No, we may not be young enough to go door to door, asking for treats with a musical, "Trick or treat" (without raising a few eyebrows, at least), but we are presented with the perfect opportunity to introduce some fantasy into our intimate lives.

Role playing can be an exciting part of an intimate relationship in addition to adding a new dimension or igniting a spark that's beginning to fizzle. October is the perfect time to take advantage of the expanded selection and sales that most lingerie shops have to offer.

Each and every one of us has a fantasy floating around in our heads....whether it's being bitten by a dark and sensual vampire or being swept away by a rugged, swashbuckling pirate. How about a firefighter, rescuing you from a burning building or your own, private Dr. Feelgood? And just like us ladies, men have their own fantasies, though they may not be as vocal as we are.

I'd like to share my recent (and first) "dress-up" experience with you. Our 12th wedding anniversary was just around the corner and I wanted to do something special for my hubby. Well, not special....but "special"....*wink-wink* We'd done the intimate dinners, evenings out and whatnot, but I thought it was time for something over-the-top......so I asked my hubby, "Besides Wonder Woman, what's your ultimate fantasy?"

I'd like to add here, that I do have a Wonder Woman costume, which I bought years ago, that is still hanging in my closet. I've yet to find the perfect boots for it, and until I do, it will hang there. Back to the story.........

My husband, being a man of few words, said exactly what I expected, "I don't know." So I prodded a bit more, trying to get his imagination rolling...........

"I know you like girlie, feminine baby-dolls. What about an innocent school girl?"

He grinned......

Now we were getting somewhere. "Anything else you can think of? A pirate wench? Naughty nurse? Female cop?"

This got the conversation going and I could see the wheels of fantasy turning in that brain of his! I was excited and couldn't wait to get shopping!

The night of our anniversary, our little one was gone to a sleepover (woohoo!!), so I was able to start the evening early with some dinner and wine (beer for him, of course). I sauntered off to the bath to get ready, but first, I put him in front of the television with an adult film and dimmed the lights. Considering I had shopped two weeks prior to that night, so I had plenty of time to fantasize and build my excitement.

I walked out of the bathroom with my hair up in a high pony tail. My make up was soft and subtle with shades of sweet pinks. I was wearing the tiniest, pink-plaid, schoolgirl skirt with a matching bikini top, a coordinating blouse tied at the midriff, adorable lace anklets (sorry, I don't do thigh-highs...you all know what I mean.....fat roll at the top....so NOT sexy) and 5 inch black patent leather stilettos. And although it was harder than heck to walk in those shoes (especially after a few glasses of wine), I felt sexy!

My husband glanced over at me...... looked a second time....... and nearly fell off the bed! He looked like one of those cartoon characters with his eyes bugged out, tongue on the floor and steam whistles shooting out of his ears! Needless to say, we had an extremely amazing evening.....one like we haven't experienced since before the kiddos came into the picture. I didn't realize just how much I missed that passionate connection.

Now I am in the market for some red, white and blue Wonder Woman boots! The whole fantasy, dress-up thing was a blast and I just cannot wait to do it again! I'm even considering an authentic Jack Sparrow, Pirates of the Caribbean costume......hope they make them in tall sizes...hee hee.

So ladies, don't you think it's time to find you inner Naughty Nurse, She-Devil or Sexy Referee? Shed the mommy persona, drop the PTA look, ditch the yoga pants and become whatever character you want to be! The possibilities are endless! Check out the possibilities at the shops I've posted above.

Happy Halloween!