Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The Truth About Thongs

The thong used to be worn exclusively by exotic dancers and ladies of the evening, that is, until someone decided it would be wonderful to introduce these tiny scraps of material to the mainstream woman. This some, I am guessing, had to be a male. No woman would subject another woman to this type of torture unless she wears a lot of shiny leather and insists that you call her Mistress.

The whole idea behind the thong was to give today’s woman an irresistibly sexy under thing to wear that eliminated panty lines, all the while making men dissolve into puddles of warm goo. Mission accomplished! BUT...the thong has a dirty little secret. A secret so intense and so filthy that no one wants to talk about it.

Now before I reveal this "dirty little secret" for all to see, I would like to remind you of the intimate relationship you have with your thong. Thongs are very tiny, with a petite triangular strip of fabric covering your genitals and a string or thinner strip of fabric going up your butt crack and splitting your vagina even further in half. The thong doesn’t stay in place, oh no. The thong loves to venture into deeper and darker places and you enable this journey simply by walking, standing, sitting, squatting, crossing your legs, doing deep-knee-bends, sweeping the floor, doing the cha-cha or walking the dog.

To bring your thong back from the depths of your body, it takes a sly and subtle act of either wiggling as you get a grip on the elusive thing through your slacks or boldly running to the nearest restroom and yanking the thing out of your butt-crack-and-beyond with the force greater than a three-hundred pound linebacker.

Now I venture into an area I’ve yet to see any woman touch. And I will stand boldly in my words and just say it, no matter how disgusting, putrid and gross this may seem. Thongs stink!
I don’t mean that thongs stink as in they aren’t nice, I mean that thongs stink in the literal sense of the in smell, stench and p-u. Think about it. We are human women with human body parts that do human things. Our vaginas create and emit fluids every day to keep our ph balance just right. We also, like all human beings, sweat. Our genitals sweat and yes, our butt cracks sweat too. And let’s not mention what happens if you had fresh broccoli or a bean burrito for lunch.

Now unless you have some teeny, tiny, string skinny thong liners keeping your thong as sweet and dry as a meadow in summertime (and adding to the crowd in your crack), you have realized that your thong isn’t the cleanest and freshest thing when you take it off. These things are sticky, damp and well, downright eligible for the garbage. Granted, some days are much better than others, but some days, you should just burn the thing! Disposable thongs would have been a nice a little pop-up container like Kleenex or baby wipes. But thongs aren’t disposable, they cost several dollars a piece. So we take the dirty thong and cram it down the leg of our pants (so it doesn’t end up stuck to your husband’s favorite t-shirt) and put it into the laundry hamper.

If you’re anything like me, your thongs are divided into two categories: "Thongs for everyday" and "thongs for sex and going out". Your everyday thongs are the ones that rather than burning, you toss in the wash and hope for the best. These are the thongs you wear on the weekends with your favorite jeans and to work under your slacks.

The thongs for sex and going out are the ones you only put on right after a shower, pubic hair trim, douche and that special feminine spray. These are the thongs with the delicate lace, tiny satin bows and sparkling rhinestone accents. These are those special occasion thongs that are only worn for special occasions.....and then quickly taken off so they aren’t soiled or subjected to butt crack sweat from a night of dancing or sitting on your butt in an uncomfortable vinyl chair at a restaurant. And you may even have a couple of thongs that are so special that you put them on right before having sex with your special someone. Mere moments before you both get naked, somewhere between the neck kissing and the pants unbuttoning, you excuse yourself to the powder room, pull out your super-special-ultimately-sexy-pristine thong, give your genitals a quick wipe down with a cloth or toilet wipe, spritz yourself with body spray and saunter out knowing your super-special-ultimately-sexy-pristine thong won’t be on long enough to even absorb a drop of butt sweat!

Yes, thongs are a neat little item of torture that gives us smooth bottoms under our clingiest of clothing and make our men shudder with desire. If they only knew the truth about thongs!


Mama said...

ha ha! this is a great post, couldn't help but have my own little titles in my head.... "a day in the life of a thong"... "what your thong would say if it could talk"

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